If you found this page and there is no index on the right, please click the logo above
If you found this page and there is no index on the right,
please click the logo above
1. Are you sure you've had enough to smoke?
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Wanna go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the shops so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey our new neighbour is sunbathing topless again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new
clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. Look, you go hunting
with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Come on, whaddaya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few
joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
21. Not the f#*king shops again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get
that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night
feedings; I'll get it!
24. Gee..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.
"Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have
daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes
or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to
ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your
date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date
no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter's putting on her makeup, a
process that can take longer than painting the Harbour Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my
car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with
a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature
chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am
the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice
that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window
is mine.
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit asked?
Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, Sure, why not.
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,
very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some
more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he
was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey
out of the tree.
Moral Of The Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.
------------------------
Where is the best place to sit on a plane?
In the little black box.
------------------------
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot
new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages
characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's
chairman Asia Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting
a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that
reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal
and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry. The
chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
| A file that big? | It might be very useful. | But now it is gone. |
| The Web site you seek | cannot be located but | endless others exist |
| Chaos reigns within. | Reflect, repent, and reboot | Order shall return |
| ABORTED effort. | Close all that you have. | You ask way too much. |
| Yesterday it worked | Today it is not working | Windows is like that |
| First snow, then silence | This thousand dollar screen dies | so beautifully. |
| With searching comes loss | and the presence of absence: | "My Novel" not found. |
| The Tao that is seen | Is not the true Tao, until | You bring fresh toner. |
| Windows NT crashed. | I am the Blue Screen of Death. | No one hears your screams |
| Stay the patient course | Of little worth is your ire | The network is down |
| A crash reduces | your expensive computer | to a simple stone. |
| Three things are certain. | Death, taxes, and lost data | Guess which has occurred. |
| You step in the stream, | but the water has moved on | This page is not here. |
| Out of memory. | We wish to hold the whole sky, | But we never will. |
| Having been erased, | The document you're seeking | Must now be retyped. |
| Serious error. | All shortcuts have disappeared | Screen. Mind. Both are blank. |
Can anyone think of a company that would send emails like this?
A magazine recently ran a Dilbert Quotes contest. They were looking for people
to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of
the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will be able to access the building only by using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees
will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes
Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming
intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising /Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe
you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go
act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit
it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss: Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say. (Mktg.
Executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day
of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,
"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said,
"If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for
it!"
(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo, one of the
sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I
was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP
wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she
wouldn't stand for "perverts" (paedophiles?) working in her company.
Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand
that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR
Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked up the word in his dictionary
and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry.
He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out,
directing us that no words that could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper
could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with
company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting together words from
the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a
large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavorily
determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting
business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the
expectations of quality!"
All pages are copyright© of
Sellit.co.nz. 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002
We retain the right to refuse any ad we like. Ads are free to place for private
sale for Items that are in New Zealand:
To place an ad, use the buttons in the top right corner of this web page. If
there are no buttons, click here